3 times cinder wanted to say i love you the first time she did
by prncesselene
Summary: The words almost stumble out of her, messy and confused. His arms are tight around her, the fabric of his dress shirt taut against his skin, the goodbye waiting as long as it can to escape his lips. If Cinder had inherited one thing from her birth family, it was that love wasn't something you gave away so easily.


The words almost stumble out of her, messy and confused. His arms are tight around her, the fabric of his dress shirt taut against his skin, the goodbye waiting as long as it can to escape his lips. Her eyes are closed against him, willing him not to leave. She knows that they each have their own duties to their countries, as all leaders do, but that doesn't stop her from holding on as tight as she can.

He pulls away, gazing at her with a fondness in his deep eyes that she knows mirror her own. The words almost slip out, as he grabs her hands in his-the combination of both metal and flesh unsurprising at this point-an unspoken promise in his eyes. The promise that even complete orbits apart, what they have is too special to give up. Too unique to be forgotten. His lips are pressed against hers, his hand on her face, in their last moment before he returns to his country, his people. She takes in his smell, all fancy cologne and sharp mint, committing it to memory, not entirely sure when she'll be able to smell it again.

As she watches his figure retreat into the ship, one last glance aimed towards her equipped with a sloppy sideways smile and a wave, she almost lets herself say it. But the words are caught in her throat, her heart caught in her chest.

If Linh Cinder had inherited one thing from her birth family, it was that love wasn't something you gave away that easily.

* * *

She almost lets herself say it the night of the Peace Ball, her visit to the palace marked by hurried kisses and warm embraces, rushed moments alone whenever possible. The ballroom was filled to the brim with diplomats, CEOs, and just about every single person who would never have given Cinder a second glance a sole year and a half ago. But, the music was loud and hummed in her chest, and the sips of champagne she had allowed herself did more than enough to dilute the awkwardness she felt in her ballgown. Her friends were all paired up, slow dancing on the floor; even Iko had managed to take a random businessman from an outside province, swaying to and fro to the tune of the orchestral music.

Her eyes were, however, glued to the image of her boyfriend, mingling with Stars-knew-who about Aces-knew-what. As if sensing her eyes on his back, he turned around, excusing himself from the conversation. She stood to meet him on his way to her, only to be intercepted by a tall head of dark hair in a floor length dress that was probably even more expensive than it looked. His eyebrows quirked upward at the sudden interruption, a look of confusion etching onto his features. Her slender arms reached for his bicep, causing Cinder to recoil, an unfamiliar emotion brewing in the pit of her stomach. She turned towards the refreshment table, suddenly in dire need of a bit more of that champagne, but not before a familiar hand grabbed onto her elbow.

"Jealous, huh?" His ears were pink but his eyes were playful, and the Queen of Luna found herself biting down a smile.

"So what did you tell her, Prince Charming? That you were taken by an orphaned cyborg queen?" His arms naturally found her waist, as they somehow always did, pulling her in for a slow dance. Not the complicated waltz moves he had been showing her (complicated being a relative term), but a natural sway across the floor. She was glad to note her head fit in the crook of his neck perfectly, giving her quite the view of the dark haired heiress from earlier, her gaze now attached to that of another suit and tie.

She felt his shoulders shrug, the warmth of his hands comforting as he rubbed them up and down her arms.

"I just told her I was taken by my super awesome girlfriend." Cinder laughed-no, giggled, though she'd deny it to anyone who asked-into his suit, fiddling absently with his tie. The words bubbled up inside her, eager to spill out around the two of them, the ache in her chest like the rumble before a volcanic explosion.

She opened her mouth, ready to let her confession soak into the loud scenery around her, ready to admit aloud the magnitude he held over her.

Only to feel a pair of familiar lips brush over hers, sweet and comforting, and tasting a little bit like that champagne. Her hands raced towards his hair, suddenly not the least bit self conscious. She knew once the words came out of her mouth, she wouldn't be able to take them back. She knew that a confession like this wouldn't come without consequences. She focused instead on his warm hands on her, the curve of her body against his, relished in the feeling of seeing him for the first time since he had left, all those months ago.

Her confession could wait.

* * *

She can tell he's wondering why neither of them have said it. She can tell in the way their goodbyes are littered with small, but pregnant silences. She can tell in the way he almost says it, but his eyes turn anxious as he looks away, muttering his goodbyes before turning off the vidlink. Every time, her heart falls in her chest, a dull and painful reminder of what they continue to leave unsaid.

* * *

The nightmare jolts her out of bed, the hot scorch of an imaginary fire consuming her. Her breathing is shallow, her hair blanketed around her face. She sits up, calming her breaths in the methodological form her therapist had been showing her. Deep breath in, hold it for seven seconds, then out. Repeat. The nightmares surrounding her troubled childhood had slowed, sure, but they had never actually stopped. The guard posted in front of her chambers leans his head into the room, suddenly alert, but returns to normal at the wave of Cinder's hand. Her internal clock tells her it's the middle of the night, but she leans back into bed cognizant, her mind swimming in the nightmare that still held her heart as prisoner, beating it against her ribcage angrily.

The light of the portscreen illuminates the otherwise dark bedroom, her finger lingering on the K of his name, anxious for a familiar face while her heart slows down. She worries she's interrupting his sleep, knowing rulers are not given much liberty regarding their hours, worried she's intruding, worried she'll bother him -

He answers on the first ring.

The dark circles under his eyes are more prominent now in the harsh light of the screen, the telltale signs of stress accumulating, and yet Cinder can't help but think he's still as handsome as ever.

She loses track of how long they stay on the vidlink, murmuring insanities at each other, eyes closing against her will. The image of his face next to her calms her heartbeat, bringing a warmth to her chest, a seemingly polar opposite to the fire that had startled her only hours before. Gazing into his eyes, the sleep overcoming her, she knows she loves him more than she could have ever imagined. She knows that the feelings she has for him lie far beyond what she had ever considered capable for herself. She knows without a doubt that love, the all-encompassing emotion that she had been so scared to admit, is only an ounce of what she feels for the young Emperor. Her exhaustion overcomes her, her dreams now littered with images of her boyfriend, the man she had long ago admitted to herself that she loved.

What she didn't know is she had finally admitted it to him, too.


End file.
